


Fake News Baby

by hoe_whisperer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M, Possibly crack find out if i can be bothered to write anymore maybe just humour, The Golden Trio are Trolls, Triwizard Tournament, also, and i oop, bash characters in my works and i will want to bash your head, don't expect good updates i suck, in this househould (fic) we love all characters good or bad side
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 15:16:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23713483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoe_whisperer/pseuds/hoe_whisperer
Summary: In which the trio are chaotic, have too much free time and decide to attempt to convince the Daily Prophet throughout their fourth year at the peak of their annoyance that Harry is a Dark Lord for a joke, unknowingly resulting in very different events from the cannon.The Dark side has never been more confused, Cedric is far too willing to play along with any gag when bored which is funnily enough always, McGonagall is about to have a heart attack and Dumbledore is just vibin’.
Relationships: Cedric Diggory/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 9
Kudos: 97





	Fake News Baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my man jesus](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+man+jesus).



> haha who am i kidding not gonna come to finishing this lmao

The thing is, it had become a tradition of sorts at the Gryffindor table for Harry, Ron and Hermione every day to see what new crazy shit the Daily Prophet newspaper had come up with in the morning.  


As painful as it is for Harry to be aware that he was giving his money to the Daily Prophet of all things, he has learned throughout his life that sacrifices must be made.  


When the awaited newspaper was dropped between Harry and Ron by a quick to flee owl, Ron swiped it up, immediately reading the contents.  


“Oi, Hermione! It’s Rita Skeeter again.” Ron grins at Hermione, who was sat across from the boys with a decidedly unimpressed eyebrow raised when the writer of the article was announced, “We all know she’s your favourite.”  


“Shut up and read the article already, Ronald.” Hermione retorts fondly.  


Ron makes a distracted noise, doing so. When he genuinely looks shocked at what is being said, it captures the attention of the other two. At this point being surprised at any of the bullshit the Daily Prophet comes up with is a miracle.  


“What’s it saying, mate?” Harry asks.  


Blinking, Ron says maintaining eye contact with Harry, “Apparently, you have entered the open relationship of Cedric and Cho, involved with a homoerotic relationship with Cedric.” before promptly bursting into laughter, the git. Even Hermione has fallen into a fit of giggles, despite the clear dread this has caused Harry to feel.  


“Oh, fuck me.” Harry whispers in horror, causing Hermione and Ron to laugh even harder, eager to pull the newspaper out of Ron grasp to see it himself.  


In black bold letters the title read, ‘ANOTHER ALLEDGED SCANDALOUS ROMANCE INVOLVING HARRY POTTER: THE NATURE OF THE BOY WHO LIVES RELATIONSHIP WITH FELLOW HOGWARTS CHAMPION CEDRIC DIGGORY AND GIRLFRIEND!’  


“Oh, fuck me!” Harry complains louder, already mortified.  


“Isn’t that Cedric job?” Ron cackles.  


Harry scowls at Ron, “It says, ‘Past rumours of the curious relationship between Harry Potter and his proclaimed ‘best friend’ Hermione Granger a Muggleborn attending Hogwarts a Fourth Year likewise to Harry perhaps being in a romantic relationship has led to a closer inspection of the Boy who Lived affairs. It is believed that Harry has entered a homoerotic relationship with that of Cedric Digory, a promising student at Hogwarts in Year 6 who is expected to have a bright future, coincidentally the other champion at Hogwarts.  


Now here is where the true big surprise lies, it is well known that Cedric Diggory is involved in a relationship with Cho Chang, a fellow student. We’re all thinking the same thing, where does Harry come into this? It turns out that supposedly the relationship isn’t as inclusive as you would assume-Oh my God-“  


“Oh my God,” Hermione agreed, obviously barely containing laughter.  


“Cedric and Cho are going to kill me, holy shit!” Harry yelped, “Being in the Triwizard tournament was bad enough, this is the last straw. They’re going to do what Voldy never manged.”  


“I’d think they’d understand, Harry. It’s not as if this is your fault,” Hermione shrugged, taking the newspaper article to read through herself, “This is next level of Skeeter though, it must be said.”  


“It really is,” Ron grinned, still at this point probably unreasonably amused.  


Harry was staring of into the distance, a faraway look in his eyes, “Maybe all they need to kill me with is the raw perfectness of the two combined as a couple? Cho might be pretty small, but she could probably do as much damage as Cedric if she’s pissed off, I bet.”  


“Which one does he want to shag, again?” Ron whispers to Hermione.  


“…I don’t know.”  


Blinking, both Hermione and Ron seem to simultaneously mutually agree not to go anywhere near whatever Harry is saying right now.  


“This isn’t legal, right?” Ron asked Hermione, “I mean, she’s writing about underaged teenagers. Even trash tabloids like this have to think this is too far.”  


Frowning Hermine nods in agreement, “It’s crazy the allegations she’s coming up with, no supporting evidence of anything. The readers will believe anything they come up with, too.”  


Before they could continue a particularly loud groan from Harry catches their attention, “The both of them will play the long game, won’t they! If they just wait for Quidditch next year, the both of them can make it look like a broom incident. Seekers as well, perfect opportunity to get near me with no one to see!”  


“Blimey, Harry. If anything this just seems to be projecting your own sabotaging Draco fantasies onto them.” Ron says.  


Before Harry could defend himself, he notices Cedric walking into the great hall. Harry prepared himself to jump under the table rather than be noticed than Cedric, but seemed to be too late. Squinting at Cedric waving in his direction, Harry attempts to read his expression, and how murderous it looked from 1-10.  


“He seems…friendly,” Harry sceptically states, “You think it’s to lull me into a false sense of security?”  


“You have spent too much of your childhood with people trying to murder you,” Ron offers wryly, met with a nod of agreement from Hermione.  


“Yeah,” Harry half-heartedly replies still intently staring at Cedric, “Maybe he just hasn’t seen it yet?”  


“He wasn’t here when the owls arrived,” Hermione points out.  


Harry stands up abruptly, “That means there’s still time, fuck. Hermione, could you get all the Ravenclaw articles before Cho arrives, please? And Ron, you take all the Hufflepuffs copies? Even just to prolong them seeing it until the task is done today. I’ll distract Cedric.”  


Though they both seem reluctant to follow his plan, when he sends them a pleading look they scramble to stand up in time and get going. Running over to Cedric Harry shouts over his shoulder, “Thanks!”  


“Oi, Cedric, wait up!” Harry shouts, stumbling to a stop in front of Cedric.  


“Hello, Harry,” Cedric smiled, though he seemed unsure about what to say, “Er, anything you want?”  


“Uh, yes,” Harry says, staring blankly at Cedric.  


When Harry does not continue to talk, Cedric slowly asks, “…And that is?”  


“Ah, that is a good question. A really great one actually, the best,” Harry awkwardly laughs, inwardly and most likely outwardly looking like he wants to die, “You see, uh, that’s…”  


When Cedric continues to stare at him in confusion, Harry rushes to say the first thing he can think of, which apparently is, “No quidditch this year eats ass, right?”  


“Well, yes,” Cedric humours him, a mix between confusion and amusement, “It really does, ‘eat ass’. Exactly how I’d word.”  


Harry cringes, “Okay, that was bad.”  


“Do you think of anything that isn’t quidditch?” Cedric laughed.  


“Not really,” Harry answered sheepishly. Looking to the side he notices Ron lift a thumb up in his direction. Grinning Harry turns to Cedric, “Okay, good talk, I guess.”  


While Harry turned on his heel and begins to job over to Ron, he promptly stumbles over his feet when Cedric calls over at him, “Nice talk indeed, honey bunches!”  


Swivelling his head with wide eyes, he sees Cedric grinning at him the utter shit, “Oh, fuck off!”  


Ignoring the laugh he gets in response he dazedly walks over to Ron, feebly whispering when he reaches him, “Abort mission.”  


“Did he just call you-“ Harry interrupts Ron question by holding onto his shoulders.  


“Abort,” Harry shakily says, “mission.”  


When Ron slowly nods his agreement, Harry spins around a certain flare of zombie impression done without much passion for being a zombie in his walk when he heads for the great halls door.  


“Harry, where are you going off to?!”  


“Either to scream into my pillow or jump off the astronomy tower! I’ll keep you posted!”  


“Thanks for the consideration, mate!” Ron smiles, though his face shows him to be clearly worried. When Hermione dawdles over, he asks her, “Bet 10 sticklers that he’s into Cedric.”  


Hermione simply smirks, “15 sticklers that he’s into both.”  


“Fuck,” Ron groans, “Alright, deal. I still have a chance. Why do you think both?”  


“The reason you already admitted defeat, Harry has a type.” Hermione shrugs.  


“And what is that, genius?” Ron warily questions.  


“Seekers,” Hermione grins.  


“But…” Ron feels a shiver wrack his body before he even says it, “Draco is a seeker.”  


“Harry seemed a bit too obsessed with him in second year, don’t you think?” Hermione hums, though she does as well shiver at the thought of anyone looking at the embodiment of UKIP in a wizard family in a romantic way, especially Harry. Then again, Draco is perhaps should be the one feared for in behalf of Harry being, well Harry.  


“I think I’m gonna puke,” Ron mutters, “We’ll see who wins, Granger.”  


“Alright, Weasley. We’ll see.”

**Author's Note:**

> and so it begins (probably ends man i suck at updates and am tired right now)  
> also also, who y'all thinking, just Cedric and Harry together or adding Cho to the mix? shake shake y'know, gotta bring that spice to life, yet might overcrowd the fic with the whole idea of making this about journalism and the trio spending their time trolling  
> right imma pop off and sleep before my eye falls off bye bye love u see u later alligator


End file.
